bummed. disappointed. depressed.

=( i know i need to update the blog, but i have nothing to say. still waiting. still wishing. still hoping. still need money. still praying.

no word yet, and soon we will have to update our paperwork again. that's nearly 2 grande! that get's depressing... it was supposed to be quick. real quick. what happened?

on top of that... my uncle's cancer has come back. he's not doing well. i so wanted him to get to see our second daughter... so he could rejoice with us, even if it were just on a paper... the referral picture! he really loves our kids.

i hate death. i hate pain. i hate suffering... though, i know you must feel these things to experience the life, the joys and excitement of life... doesn't make it easier.

oh. god. when. will this dark journey end? where is the light at the end of the tunnel? who am i to whine about a referral, betrayal of friends/family, death and sickness, when i have it so good? when i see a growing epidemic of starving children on tv... who am i? are my cries so petty? am i so spoiled? is it wrong to desire such things when you know there are people in a much more desperate situation?

where does this desire and pain come from? help me, father. make way with our paperwork... with our daughter... and don't take his spirit... just yet. i know that is selfish of me. don't let him be in pain, either. make haste, father. for your daughter. send me child... "the child" "the one you have set aside for this family" --send me that picture, that information so that i can share with my uncle and we can make preparations to bring this daughter of ours home...

help me to reframe these negative thoughts and set my heart on you. you are the prize. you are the one in whom i should seek. restore me father. take away my pains, my tears, and heartbreak. heal me. show me how to forgive those who've pained me. forgive me for the pain ive caused you and others. help me to be slow to speak. help me to be the best wife and mother i can be. show me how.

for so long, i was one who stood beside others and cheered them along their adoptions. send me girls, wives, moms that will inspire and encourage me in this hour. i am shamed to say my light has grown dim with this long wait. there are two people i've yet to call that have inquired about adoption. what happened to the passion? the excitement? how crazy how depression and despair set in, take root...

help me lord.