Geeze-louise! It hasn't even been a month since we've sent our updated home study & USCIS approval with a letter requesting a change in age, BUT it sure does seem longer than that! Recently, I've talked with more people interested in adoption, and Ben has even been approached by a professor at his University about more info! All this is super fantabulous, but it does make the wait time harder, it seems... When I see pics of families being united, I sometimes get jealous. Is that bad? Ok, I'm just being real... When will it be our turn? I ask that and then I feel like shame on me. How could I ask when there are those families who have waited many more years than I... Or it didn't work out like I thought it should have...
I wonder...Is that my problem? It didn't happen or hasn't happened the way I thought it would be or think it should be. In "my world" things would be different... so different. In my world, I may would have had a baby... Actually, I know I would have! I would have never chosen to experience the heartache of infertility... I would have NEVER chosen to walk through the trials in the Church... My sister would have lived a LONG life, a happy life... Yes, IN MY WORLD, we would all be happy. I would have a stress free work environment. Everyone would have enough to eat... and shelter from the elements. I would still adopt; I'd have enough room for even more children... I could work part time... and be the ideal class parent and soccer mom... yeah, I guess there are reasons things don't work out exactly the way we think they should... but do you stop wishing?
Does God have better plans? He can see the bigger picture... I know this... trust is just so hard. The risk of pain again... There's purpose in the wait; I know that! Something is being worked out for my good, for my daughter's best interest, for the body of God... there's something greater, I know it. Will that make the wait easier....? For now, it does... but I have those moments when it just seems so heavy... Anyone out there understand?
Fingers crossed, hoping for some sort of news in July! Approval or even a referral would be nice!
4 comments:
I went through many years feeling many of those feelings, but I guess, truthfully those were the times I learned the most about God and how much I needed Him. Have we ever mentioned to you that we went through a super-yucky Church thing too, where we had to leave our church?... still unresolved. All that to say, there is someone here that understands the pain of waiting for adoption, misscarriage, leaving churches, jealousy of other families and SO much more.
Love reading your blog - happy to have you as an internet friend!
Just started the book, CHOOSING TO SEE by Mary BEth Chapman . . . it talks EXACTLY about what you're describing here! Read it when you have a chance ;).
“For the oppression of the poor, for the sighing of the needy,
Now I will arise,” says the LORD;
“I will set him in the safety for which he yearns.”
6 The words of the LORD are pure words,
Like silver tried in a furnace of earth,
Purified seven times.
7 You shall keep them, O LORD,
You shall preserve them from this generation forever.
Psalm 12:5-7
These are verses the Lord gave me right before Zade's referral. It was such a comfort that He heard our sighs, that He would stand up and work! I also loved the part of His words being tried through a furnace.. that they come out as silver and have to come to pass. I can't say when He will work... but there comes a time when He will because He has promised to, He has to do it!
Yep... I get it.
Post a Comment