Shanda

(Ainsley, 7/04/09: I took her and her brother to the grave. She picked up a tiara that my Mother had left on Shanda's grave and put it on her head and said, "This is my Mama's." Of course, I just happened to have my camera! This was not re-produced or anything... This was...the moment captured!! I love these kids! Please pray for our family as we remember our loss...)

My sister ... argh... Why God? O, why? Will I ever know? Probably not... will it bother me forever? Probably. Is it something you "just get over?" Do I even need to respond to that? Grief SUCKS!

Yes, it's been three YEARS and it still SUCKS! I hate remembering that call, remembering even the good times stinks, because I am quickly reminded that I must go on without her; making new memories and she's not part of it. I hate it.

I hate the fact that I can't see her children and the hoop-la around all that. I hate it all. I hate it, and I don't care if certain someones read this! I hate being threatened or my family being intimidated because they try to voice concern for the children. Yes, I hate it! AND I can say that! AND it's okay! I will be a voice for them and I will cry out on their behalf. Yes, I will!

Grief sucks. It would have been so much easier had there been no children involved. To know that Kaleb and Ainsley mourn and hurt when thinking of their mom, hurts me. I am so sad for them. I wish I could hold them and hug them and make it all go away. It stinks. It stinks when you have no control and you can't make it better. Those questions arise again... "Why God?"

My sister- she was one of her own. She was the girl that stood alone; the girl you would find with a bag lunch and her Bible with a few other girls. She was the shy one with glasses. The girl who would try to hide behind others...the one who rooted for the underdog. The one who loved to be a blessing...who honestly, saw good in everything... I can hear her voice at times, "Wendi" and she would drag out the Wen--di. I can remember crying over past relationships and her hugging me and giving me advice. I can remember fantasizing about getting pregnant together and wanting to take sister pics together while we were pregnant. It never happened, of course, but at her funeral... this is how crazy thoughtful she was... I met people I had never known that came up to me and told me they had been praying for me because they knew we were going through our (first) adoption; yes, that was my sister- always thinking of others before herself. UGH!!! Why God????????

Why do we ask such crazy questions? Why do we try to understand God's ways? Why does it bother us so much when we know God is in control? It just seems like a life cut short...so short...she was 32.

It's weird. I want to forget that day...but then I hold onto it.... It was the day after my birthday, and I had just came back from lunch at work and got a call from my brother. I had thought about calling my sister when I had went to lunch, but got caught up with something and put it off. She ALWAYS called me for my birthday and I even made that comment out loud that she hadn't called me. I'm gonna have to call and remind her...hmph! And then, before I could...John Michael called... and it was reported that Chuck, her husband, found her in bed unresponsive and EMTs were currently at their home working on her. "Working on her" --what does that mean? I just imagined what I had seen in the ER...working on her...my poor sister.....why God? I was in shock instantly... it couldn't be. I wanted to wake up. It had to be a dream. It had to be an awful dream... reality set in as Ben drove me to Louisiana. She's dead...the second call came within 10 minutes of the first call.

God could have healed her. God could have! I prayed for him too! Why didn't he? I know all this is part of going thru different part of the stages of grief. I know that you can move past one stage and then even revert back....yes, I know, because I have.... I have struggled with anger and blaming and denial... and I'm still working thru it... Grief SUCKS and that's all there is to it.

"One day it will get easier." Will it? Hmph. It's hard to see that now. But I know that my God is King of the Universe and His ways are not my ways...and who am I that He should take counsel from me? Ha! Where would we all be if we were in control of the Universe? If I was God, I would have done things a whole lot different! My hope is in God, and that she is dancing in Heaven and that one day we will be reunited... that is my hope.


Now, enough whining. I love my sister and in honor of her, because she told people we would never be able to afford adoption (she was right) and to pray for us, and because siblings like to prove each other wrong, Ben and I have agreed to help others adopting... kindof like a "BOO-YA!" Ha-ha-ha-ha! in your face, kindof thing. We've given a financial donation to a family for the past two years. This year since we are in "the process" again, we are putting that toward our daughter's adoption. Shanda was right, really. We couldn't afford adoption expenses. God provided in ways beyond our imagination. There was even a specific family from Oregon that donated thousands... some of this family, we never even met! That was God! That family taught me a lot. We want to be able to do that same thing! Thanks, K's! You are part of our testimony, and We want to give back, and we will! Your family set a great example... so in honor of Shanda....because she said we couldn't...we will.

Sisters Forever! Shanda and Wendi

(This is Kaleb at G-Daddy's, my Dad's house, playing in the pool. Kaleb loves the pool. Kaleb is highly intelligent. I love him so much. I wish I didn't live so far away. I miss him so.)

(Just had to include one of the two princesses! I know Shanda would have loved to see them together. I know she would love to hear them giggle and play. Ainsley and Tatiana played so well together. Tatiana loved the idea of having another girl around. This pajama set is actually one of hers. When she is putting clothes away that she can't wear any more, they are always for either Ainsley or "her sister.")