Mami, do you see her?

(Ok, I know I'm posting a lot conversations with the kids lately, but the things they say are so funny at times, and special to me. This blog is most like an online journal of my adventures in "mami-hood".)

Tatiana and I went to the store one day last week. As we were driving down the road, she said, "Mami, do you see her?" "Who, Tatiana, who?" looking from side to side on the road. "Tia Shanda!" "Where Tatiana?" "In the clouds! See her Mami...she's following us." "Really?" I say. "Is she smiling," I ask. "Yeah..."

Well, I know that children can be more in tune with the spiritual sometimes than adults. I don't think my sister can see us, BUT I wish she could! I think she'd be proud of me...but then I can also hear her telling me how selfish I am because I haven't been there for her children. My heart breaks for them. I feel guilty that I can't do more and be there for them.

Kaleb hardly talks to me anymore. Ainsley is with her other aunt who is allowing Ainsley to call her "mommy" and that really hurts Kaleb as he knows the truth, and it just makes things difficult with me living 5-6 hours away. My heart hurts that Ainsley will grow up confused if this situation continues. But what can I do?

I pray and ask God what can I do, and don't seem to get an answer. We've offered our home to the kids if they needed a place to stay, if the father needed time to heal...what more can I do? I don't want to pressure him as I know the grieving process is long and difficult at times, but at the same time I miss those babies and would love to help that way.

So, what can I do, but pray? Every time I see the moon, I pray for Kaleb, Ainsley and Chuck. I know that somewhere out there they lie under that same moon... and I don't know but that makes it seem like we're a little closer...