10.01.2008

Ignorance...

I love talking about how our family was created through adoption, because I believe it gives me an opportunity to share about my faith and how I was adopted into the family of God. I have not been bothered by a lot of the questions like:

"Where are they from?"
"How much did they cost?"
"Do you have kids of your own?"
"You guys couldn't have your own?"
"Are they siblings?"
"Why would you adopt from there, when we have children here in our own country in the foster care system?"

Those comments didn't or don't really bother me, as I deduct that the people that ask these questions are curious about adoption or just plain ignorant.

The comments that do cut to the core of my inner self are comments like...

"You aren't really trying to have a baby are you?"
"You know, most people get pregnant right away after they adopt!"
"Did they have the same parents?"
or the most recent ignorant, rude, and disrespectful statement I have received was:
"...you need one of these (newborn baby) and then you'll know what it's like to be a real parent."

That last comment took me totally by surprise. What? For one, I don't believe I have to birth a baby to know what it is like to parent a child, or be a parent! Changing diapers, doesn't take great skill. Great skill is exhibiting godly character and living that out through the ups and downs of the chaos of life...and doing it in such a way that the children around you, model that. Before I "had children of my own", I believe I parented and mothered ALOT of other people's children within the school system and church...

It is amazing to me how insensitive some people can be! I try to remind myself of their ignorance...but should we always make room for the ignorant? Or should we verbally acknowledge their ignorance, and ask them to consider our feelings, and our children's and just try to be more sensitive! What are your thoughts? For those who have and have not adopted, please comment.
Posted by Wendi and Benjamin Wood at 6:46 PM

11 comments:

Sherri said...

I think I would have been shocked to silence on that one. I don't even know what I'd say after thinking a bit. I think some of it is ignorance - and even in that kind of situation we can try to teach people what is hurtful. It wouldn't help to respond angrily (but my first response in reading it was anger so it is easier said than done!). And as your friend I would have wanted to defend you and hug you and tell you that you are as real of a mom as any mom. I'm rambling, still a bit in shock and sadness. I think it would have been appropriate to say that families come together in different ways and it is hurtful to be discounted because your children didn't come to you as infants. Something between an angry defense and smiling and nodding you think? Unfortunately I am the smiler and nodder.

01 October, 2008
Sherri said...

OK, a sarcastc reply would be, maybe you'll know what it's like to be a real parent when you deal with older kid problems. Not nice. But I'd take baby issues over my 2 & 5 yr old issues any day. My friend with twin babies says it's the 2 yr old and 4 yr old that are the work. Babies are hard, but once they have their own opinions it gets harder. And I don't imagine it gets any easier.

PS- Joel came upstairs from the basement to find me violently throwing silverware into the drawer. One child in time out and the other just getting done with his punishment. fun, fun...

01 October, 2008
Jenn said...

Ok, FOR THE RECORD: Giving birth to a child does not make a person a "real parent"! That's just plain insulting no matter what the circumstances. Child birth does not automatically endow a person with the ability to be a parent. I mean, it certainly is not a physiological byproduct of pregnancy. That is a completely insulting thing to say! I think it needs to be addressed.

You're absolutely right in saying changing diapers doesn't take great skill. Neither does filling a bottle and feeding the infant or nursing. But how many "real parents", unfortunately, fail miserably at that every day? How many children live in fear and pain and sadness, feeling unloved and unworthy?

You're also absolutely right that exhibiting godly character and living that out through the ups and downs of the chaos of life that makes a "real parent". It's finding the balance between teaching the child to give and receive love and helping them grow their faith and how we handle the things that terrify us and break our hearts and fill us with joy and make our own faith explode from our very souls that makes a real parent.

However - to step off of my soapbox midstream and cut my rant off right there before I go on any further - I think the simplest answer would be "being a real parent doesn't require biology." period. And whisper a prayer to God in thanksgiving for our children and pray that we teach THEM - our children - to understand and believe that family does not require a genetic link.

but I'm sure you handled it beautifully. (and sorry for the super long post!)

02 October, 2008
Tim and Judy Herrera said...

I think you are right that most people are just curious about adoption, and it helps to give people the benefit of the doubt (that they werent't trying to say things rudely). Most people try to say the right thing. But, there has to be a time to educate with love when the wrong thing is said. Some people are simply rude, and should be called on it.
Maybe this person was having problems with a baby that day and was suggesting that they have it worse off than you. I don't know, but it wasn't right. Thanks for sharing the situation, because now the rest of us can ponder this and think about how we could handle that if it comes to us in the future.
Here is one for you consider that happened to a pastor friend of ours. They have 2 bio and 3 adopted kids, and someone told them that they shouldn't be adopting children because they are taking away their bio children's inheritance! Isn't that a winner?? In response, God has led them to adopt 12 yr old twin African American boys from foster care! You have to love the way God works!! It is nice to know we are not alone in the questioning. Thanks for sharing. Judy

02 October, 2008
MameyJane said...

You are absolutely right. The person who said that was careless and insensitive with his words to the highest degree. Someone in their comment mentioned that maybe that person was having a bad day with a newborn. I think maybe this was the case, plus 5 weeks straight of waking every 2-3 hours to a screaming newborn, taking an hour to feed it, and another hour to get it back to sleep. Not to mention hours of colicky cries in the daylight hours. Which I'm not real sure why this person would have said that since he was/is not the one actually doing these things, but only a bystander of the gruelling, exhausting hours of care. I think maybe what he meant, but said in an enormously tactless and thoughtless way, was that only a person who has experienced parenting a child at every stage can appreciate the picture as a whole. Not saying I agree, just interpreting. I am so sorry for this grievance and I hope the person apologizes profusely after reading this!

02 October, 2008
janine said...

Good topic, Wendi! I agree with Judy . . . some people may not realize how insensitive their comments are, but don't we all wish that people would THINK a little bit before they speak sometimes?

The *worst* comment I got while we were adopting came from a dear friend of mine who wrote to me, "I am still praying for God to open your womb." I basically told her I would pretty much freak out if I got pregnant since we had three kids on the way (AND I am NOT a baby person!). The next worst was my grandmother telling me that she was so disappointed that Scott and I weren't going to try harder to have a baby because she always thought we'd have THE most beautiful kids . . . with very dark eyes. I laugh now because she adores my kids (and they adore her) . . . and they all have very dark eyes, just like Scott and me!

I think what bothers me the most is when people ask me where their "other" parents are, right in front of them! It may not have been as big of a deal when they couldn't speak English, but it just floors me that people would ever ask that in front of the kids! (in private would still probably bother me, too, but not as much).

Love you, girl! You['re doing a great job with YOUR KIDS!!

02 October, 2008
Wendi and Benjamin Wood said...

I like that Jenn! "Being a Real Parent Doesn't Require Biology" -great thought!

I don't think people who have not walked down the road of infertility realize how hurtful their comments can be; or how insensitive they can be to our children when they ask personal questions about their birthparents or when they refer to them as their "real parents". I know it's ignorance... but it seems it's especially hurtful when it comes from those closest to you.

I am a Lioness when it comes to my cubs! :o) I love sharing my story, but will defend myself and the children when people bombard us with questions/comments. They don't need to know everything. And as a Lioness, I will attack, even when it is those who are part of the pack! I try to be godly, but in some instances, I'm sure I could have said it more eloquently as you guys have commented...

...And Jenn, I love long comments! Can you tell?

Thank you, everyone for sharing!

03 October, 2008
Erin said...

Oh, good grief! Does anyone else ever notice how our culture is so PC in terms of so many things, but not adoption? I don't have anything to say that the others haven't already said. It was probably a comment made out of ignorance, but I agree that sometimes it needs to be addressed. This is one that I think needs to be addressed. And I also agree that people making those kind of comments in front of the KIDS is the worst!

03 October, 2008
Hmm... said...

Apologies... I suppose it seems right to make a public apology. I am sorry to have hurt your feelings and made a comment that though seeming innocent from me has caused such anguish for you. It was not meant to be taken in such context but nonetheless that is the way it come forth. My sincerest apologies with the hopes that all can be reconciled.

Love ...

03 October, 2008
John, Patty, Tiffany & Brian said...

Wendy, I too would like to believe it was just ignorance but a comment like that needed a response. I don't know if I could have responded right away because I would have been in shock that someone would even say that. I too have heard many "ignorant" comments and questions about my children and adoption. Usually, I tell myself they are just curious and uneducated about adoption and try to answer their questions as kindly as I can. But, the other day, a coworker was talking about how difficult it was being pregnant and going through child birth. Well, she looked over at me and said, "Maybe we should all take the easy way out and just adopt!" I lost it. I was so upset that I raised my voice to her and was saying "Easy way out! There was nothing easy about adopting either one of my children." Then, I went into all the heartache with waiting, our court date being postponed 13 times, all the paperwork, etc, etc....SHe apologized over and over and said she didn't mean it that way but sometimes the littlest comments can really hurt. Anyways, sorry to blab but I wanted to share about other ignorance too. I can't even think of a comeback for that last comment you mentioned. I think I am still in shock. You are those kids real parents and don't ever let anyone make you think differently.

03 October, 2008
THE CALDERARO'S said...

Wow! People do not think before they speak. Having had two children biologically before adopting, I can tell you the love you hold in your heart for them is the same. Bottom line, God intended for you to raise these children. When people say such ignorant comments, especially with your children present, tell them that was hurtful. Let them figure it out. You have a beautiful family.

04 October, 2008

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