Letters to God...

Since before I was married, I knew I wanted to adopt. However, when my sister had her first baby, I knew I wanted to have a child, also. When I got married, my husband and I had discussed this many times. We had discussed trying to first have our own and then adopt. I felt like we needed to adopt first and then follow it with our own. At any rate, we had to both be in agreement if we were to choose to adopt. So, I ceded with my husband and we tried getting pregnant.

It was fun when my sister was alive. We would have girlie-sister conversations about such. Many conversations we had that were just between us. We had hoped to get pregnant together. We wanted to do "Pregnant Sistas" pictures... However...I feel like now, that God had a different plan for us both...

My sister passed away; she left behind two of her most beautiful jewels, Kaleb and Ainsley. And Ben and I began to pursue adoption after God gave Ben several different confirmations that this was part of the journey we were to follow...we started the process on our fifth year wedding anniversary, and in nine months, four days, we had not one, but three beautiful children to call our own...

But in the midst of this whole process, I had began to pray for my children. Initially, I thought it would only be one...and we had discussed adopting a little girl. During that time, I began writing letters to God. I began being specific and requesting certain physical traits and personality characteristics, and so on...

After, my sister passed away, my pursuit of God concerning the adoption was half-hearted. I was distracted by a lot of different things going on. It was right around that time that God spoke to us about considering a sibling adoption in an effort to keep a sibling group together. Wow, God, really? Are you sure?? Ben had a lot more questions than I had, but I knew I had heard Him clearly. Can we handle 2-3 when we did not know how much work one was? No.

His answer was, "No, you can't do it on your own. I am raising up a group of people around you to gird you up in the time of need. You will not be alone."

Many other things were spoken to us and words in the past that were brought to remembrance, especially when someone would ask, "How are you going to pay for this?" My response was, "If it's God's will, he'll foot the bill!"

Are you sure? "Absolutely." Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? "Not a clue!"

Colombia? Why Colombia? Ben felt very strongly that God directed us toward the country of Colombia for several different reasons, including some prophetic words spoken over him many years prior.

So, we plunged headfirst! And God, and our adoption agency, CHI, was with us every step of the way. Even during the time of sorrow and grief that I was experiencing in November, CHI was there to offer support to us. And even now, after the adoption is final in Colombia, CHI remains involved in our lives thru emails.

Getting back to the letters...I wanted to tell you that it is important to be specific when you are praying. Whether it is for your child, your spouse, your future---be specific! Someone had given me a book called, "Supernatural Childbirth." It discussed the importance of praying specific things relating to the child's health, physical and psychological traits. I did that for my daughter!

As I brushed Tatiana's hair this morning, I told her that I was so lucky God gave me her as my daughter. I said, "Tatiana, do you know you are the very daughter I prayed for? You are everything, Mami asked for...did you know that?" She just looked at me and smiled and giggled...She is everything...She is smart, beautiful, olive-tone skin, soft, wavy curls, gentle, likes to be girlie and play dress up, loves to shop, but likes to play, too, loves her family and pets, obedient-requires little to no redirection...a little clumsy, like her Mami, but a Princess all the same! It's moments like these that I remember God's awesomeness. It's moments like these that help make waiting for an answer from God worth the waiting for. It's moments like these that I don't want to forget...It's promises like this one, I'll never forget!

Thank you, Father for all you've promised me that has come to pass and that that is yet to come! Thank you for your endless surprises! You are awesome even when we don't understand...even when things don't go our way...You have our best interest in mind...thank you, Father for keeping us in the palm of Your hand throughout all of this, and for bringing and raising up others around us to support and encourage us in this time. Help us to be a support and encouragement to others who are travelling down similar paths. Continue to speak to us as we follow your command to care for widows and orphans. Thank you, God for calling me your daughter! One other thought, Tell Shanda, "I did it! I did it!" She told one of her friends she thought we'd never be able to afford this adoption thing...well, we couldn't, but you did...you provided. Also, let her know that I might not can outdo her, but we're gonna have some stories to share when I get there!!! And tell her to watch out for all the balloons that my children are sending her way...that we love her and miss her so much...Andrew and Tatiana go outside and pop balloons sometimes to get her attention...anyways, we will be sisters forever, thank you father, for blessing me with Shanda for all this time. Help me to remember the positive things she has instilled in me. Help me to be a voice for her when needed in her children's lives. Help me to remember things to share with them when they get older that me and Shanda shared as siblings. Thank you, God for even raising up new friends in my life that are like sisters to me to help me during this time as I still grieve for her. In Jesus' name.

Thanks for trailing with me...not certain where all this came from...but it has seemed therapeutic. God bless...more to come later.